The London Mayoral Election – Where were you?

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I know that lots of you didn’t end up voting in yesterday’s Mayoral elections. Why would you? You’re young, dumb and full of cum, and politics is for bellends. Besides, who really knows what the London Mayor actually does (except the obvious like get bikes names after them)? I get it – you’re disillusioned by the whole thing…

Well try thinking about it like this you little dickhead. When you and your friends want to choose a movie to watch at one of your shitty little sleepovers, if you don’t put forward your opinion, however foolish it definitely is, then you can’t then complain when you end up watching Howard the Duck (a terrible 80’s sci-fi with Tim Robbins and also my personal favourite nickname for Boris Johnson).

I mean sure it’s difficult to know exactly how good a candidate’s going to be. Zac Goldsmith might have had a really good IMDB rating, but then you might have also heard from a friend that he’s a posh twat who doesn’t know what QPR’s home ground is called.

But if you are undecided then you should read up on it you tit-servant. Zac had a website that laid out all of his policies for you in lame-mans terms – BackZac.com. Or, if you wanted to see quite how far he was willing to go to get the job, you could have checked BackZacAndCrack.com, on which he has posted the video of his 2015 charity ballsack waxing.

On the left you could have gone with Sadiq Khan, the son of a bus driver who wanted to bring in a public transport ticket called ‘The Hopper’. As I understand it, this was Labour’s answer to the Boris bike and would provide each user with a space hopper for periods of up to an hours travel. Apparently it was trialed in one of those countries that get everything right, like Norway, and was a big hit.

I understand that if you were to consider every party seriously, then there was a lot of reading to do. However Ankit Love, of the One Love Party, did make it easy by not posting an online manifesto at all, instead opting for a link to the YouTube video of Bob Marley’s ‘One Love’, from which most of his policies were actually garnered.

As for most of the candidates who weren’t from the big two, you could have at least just made a judgment on them from their picture. David ‘wants to put foreigners in a’ Furness was the BNP candidate and he looked like a sofa salesman from a Channel 5 sitcom. We can’t have him as mayor.

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George Galloway looked like he was releasing a new folk album and in his manifesto asked people to add him on snapchat, which to me made him sound like one of the men you warn your kids about during internet safety lessons. He also signed off with ‘respect party, peace, justice, equality’ – as if he was doing some shoutouts at the end of a freestyle rap.

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Lee Harris, of the Cannabis is safer than alcohol party, looked like a kindly old man who’d accidentally posted his dating profile on the wrong site. I can’t remember it word for word but he pretty much wrote: ‘Looking for fellow OAP stoners who enjoy long walks on Hampstead Heath.’

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And as for the Britian First party candidate Paul Golding’s photo, I’m not entirely sure what it was about it but he did look alarmingly like a fat Hitler (which might have actually been what he was going for).

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The Lib Dems candidate was called Caroline Pidgeon and she was literally a pigeon, which was actually refreshingly different – especially from a party that has been putting forward career human-politicians for as long as I can remember…

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So there you have it you good for nothing, low life non-voter. I command you to away and think about what you’ve done. Go see a George Galloway gig for god’s sake, try out one of Sadiq’s Space Hoppers and do kindly point Lee Harris in the direction of his house if you find him wandering around stoned in Hampstead. I mean the least you can do is listen to some Bob Marley and watch Zac Goldsmith live stream his anal bleaching. Just engage with politics people. Cummon.

And for god’s sake vote in the next one – that’s the big one. Maybe it will help to think of it like the Eurovision song contest. You wouldn’t miss that now would you…

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