The Female Hugh Grant
Sophie Somervail, another English student who previously featured on this blog, was recently reprimanded for having a pre drinks at her flat. The harmless gathering was busted by the police and she was made to attend a conduct meeting and face a potential fine. She recounts the experience:
“My student conduct meeting this morning got off to a great start. I informed the receptionist that I was booked in for half 9, only to be told that there must be some mistake. What? You have the wrong name? I’m not actually in trouble? You have finally realised that this is all one HUGE waste of time?
‘It says here your appointment is at nine thirty’ the receptionist kindly pointed out.
Right, well, it’s reassuring to know that the people who are about to lecture me about alcohol, its side effects (and how I should focus on academics instead) can perform simple tasks such as identifying time, even when sober. So at half nine, sorry, nine thirty, I am ushered to the conduct office interview room. I’m actually slightly confident, mainly because out of the three people sitting in the waiting room, my alleged crime was infinitely the most pathetic. The guy to my left was here for his weekly drug test and the guy to my right hadn’t been to a single class this semester. My response of ‘ain’t nobody got time for dat,’ was, for some reason, received with an awkward silence. When will I learn that Received Pronunciation is not cool? He asked me what I’d done: ‘I’m 21 and had alcohol in my apartment’ was my response.
In the interview room, two stern women were sat behind a desk. A large poster of the Carolina Creed dominated the wall space behind them, consisting of a list of motivational behavioural stances that I was then ordered to read out loud. I felt like I was being sworn in as president. So, it turns out that by having pre-drinks in East Quad, I am not striving for ‘personal excellence.’ Who determines that? After three vodka diet cokes I think I’m pretty excellent. I have also failed ‘to discourage behaviours which threaten the freedom that every individual deserves.’ Oh no. Not that ‘land of the free’ chat. Please. It was too early in the morning for such ironic contradictions.
Due to fear of the fine I began to apologise profusely, only for one of the women to clap her hands together with excitement, stopping me mid sentence. She smiled and squealed, ‘oh my gosh, I just love Hugh Grant.!’
Huh? I checked behind me, he definitely wasn’t there. ‘Well you just sound like him,’ she explained, ‘the female him, he is just so dreamy isn’t he? He looks and sounds so good! I adore him.’ Wait. Huh? The disciplinary conversation continued in this manner and I left with a warning and no fine. Brilliant, turns out Received Pronunciation CAN be cool! And I think I owe Hugh Grant $250.”