The aircraft grade aluminium iScope. Only $10!
At Heathrow airport a few weeks ago a pipe ruptured and bags were accidently sprayed with raw sewage. Watching TV adverts here is equivalent to being a bag at Heathrow on that fateful September day. You are sprayed with verbal sewage by some annoyingly enthusiastic American voice as the show you are trying to watch is segmented into advert breaks at what seems like the end of every scene. It comes to the point the show seems like a break in the adverts rather than the other way round.
Sometimes the same advert will repeat over and over for the whole commercial break, going round and round like the bags, covered in excrement on the conveyor belt, that no one wants to touch. You are repeatedly bludgeoned by the same voice telling you that you need to buy gold or a walk in bathtub, until the room is spinning and any amount of time could have passed, and you find you have ordered three because there are just so many preventable fatalities every year from people falling over in the bath.
However there was one particular advert that sparked my outburst and this was the one for a thing called the iScope. This commercial is two minutes of plugging the most random product since the banana case. The curved, hollow oblong that meant you wouldn’t squash a banana in your bag and, despite looking like a strange fetish toy, was genius. The iScope however is not. It is a torch (flashlight) that extends and is also a magnet. Apparently “its like having an extra pair of hands” that is if, for hands, you have magnetic extendable torches. Its uses include reaching for cans on high shelves and it boasts 100,000 hours of light! Which begs the question, who spends 100,000 hours reaching for cans on high shelves in dark rooms? I mean who even puts cans so high they cant reach them? Is it the tool for divorcees whose ex partner was much taller than them?
“Recover old cans of John West Tuna you thought you would never get back! Try the iScope today!”
For just a small extra cost you can get the professional model of the iScope. With a longer reach and stronger light it is perfect for the professional. Professional what?! Unless your job is stacking shelves at a supermarket and you are really short and the place you live is prone to power cuts this is a complete waste of money.
In the advert the iScope is driven over by a car. “Its aircraft grade aluminium (said annoyingly) construction makes it virtually indestructible” the voice shouts out. Brilliant. If it wasn’t for this I would have them all destroyed and tell the guy that has invested his millions in them that he will be back stacking shelves at Wal-Mart in no time. He seems the perfect man for the job.