“A mate invited me to a party where the theme was alcoholic beverages. I said I wanted to go as methylated spirits but he said I was being sake.”


“I used to be really scared of gardening but I decided I should grow a pear.”


“I’ve done a lot of pot washing jobs in the past, but recently the jobs are drying up.”


“I hope Putin was planning a tour of North East England when he said he was going to nuke us all.”


“You’ve got to start defending yourself, Kiev. Wouldn’t want Moscow to think you chicken, Kiev.”


“I don’t have Emma’s number and I need to call her. You could say I’ve gotta dial Emma.”


“A cannibal told me he loved me for what I was like on the inside.

I said you’re a man after my own heart”


“My girlfriend said I was bad at gymnastics and I flipped.”


“Cliff Richard is being investigated by the cops. Not gonna be his first criminal record.”


“Apparently we are having an Indian summer because it’s hot in October. If we all start rioting in February will we be having an Arab spring?”


“Did you hear what happened to Santa’s clumsiest elf? He got sacked.”


“All our strippers are Eastern European these days. You go into a strip club and you can’t help but see a Pole dance.”


“I can understand being afraid of French food. It’s snale biting stuff.”